


hearing voices in carved hearts

by alyssae



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:33:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyssae/pseuds/alyssae
Summary: Dirk’s almost become used to Todd taking Dirk’s hand in his, a twitchy smile on Todd’s face that Dirk knows means that Todd’s fighting off a grin. Dirk’s almost become used to their faux arguing about how Dirk never loads the dishwasher correctly or how Todd can’t figure out how to make a proper cup of tea, fondness always bleeding through their words. Dirk’s almost become used to waking up beside Todd, the sunrise filtering through the curtains and covering Todd in a blanket of light, as though—as though this is how everything should be. As though this is how the universe meant it all to be.Dirk wants to be entirely used to it. Dirk wants to be able to expect each and every one of these things for the rest of his life. But, at the very edge of his consciousness, the universe tugs insistent and intrusive in every other direction, a constant reminder of how Dirk will never hold that in his hands. No, it’ll sift right through his fingers like sand, infinitesimal.Or: maybe the universe only has as much power as Dirk gives it.
Relationships: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	hearing voices in carved hearts

Dirk’s life has always been characterized by _want_. Like hunger, hollow and implacable, it takes root in him and cycles endlessly through his veins. Wanting to go back home. Wanting to escape Blackwing. Wanting a friend. Wanting, wanting, wanting, and never having, because the universe isn’t one to take any of that into account. The universe may guide him where he needs to be, but it’s rarely where he wants to be.

Rarely being the operative word, because sometimes it does. Like when it brought him to the Patrick Spring case. Like when it brought him to Bergsberg. Like when—like when Todd, after days of seeming like he was about to jump right out of his own skin with restlessness, had worked up the courage to kiss Dirk on the cheek while they were watching some inane cooking show at his apartment. Not without a tremendous amount of backpedaling, and not without Dirk having to kiss Todd again himself to prove that he wanted it, too, and yet—it still _happened_ , somehow. 

Dirk has loved Todd since the moment his future self told him that Todd would be his best friend. Falling in love with Todd came none too long after that—it was inevitable, really. How could Dirk not fall in love with the first person to make him feel so _wanted_ , filling up the hollow within him as though it’d never existed?

But for however much that Dirk loved and however much that made Dirk want more—he’s learned well enough that the universe doesn’t cater to anyone and that to want is the most destructive thing there is. He couldn’t risk what he had, what the universe had deigned to give him, on a flight of fancy and selfishness.

And yet—and yet—it still happened, somehow. And kept happening. Dirk’s almost become used to Todd taking Dirk’s hand in his, a twitchy smile on Todd’s face that Dirk knows means that Todd’s fighting off a grin. Dirk’s almost become used to their faux arguing about how Dirk never loads the dishwasher correctly or how Todd can’t figure out how to make a proper cup of tea, fondness always bleeding through their words. Dirk’s almost become used to waking up beside Todd, the sunrise filtering through the curtains and covering Todd in a blanket of light, as though—as though this is how everything should be. As though this is how the universe meant it all to be.

Dirk wants to be entirely used to it. Dirk wants to be able to expect each and every one of these things for the rest of his life. But, at the very edge of his consciousness, the universe tugs insistent and intrusive in every other direction, a constant reminder of how Dirk will never hold that in his hands. No, it’ll sift right through his fingers like sand, infinitesimal. 

Here’s the thing: Dirk has never gone against the universe. Oh, he’s thought of it, made a few vague attempts to see where it’d lead him—but he’s never truly tried. It’s a lost cause, after all. A droplet can’t deviate from its stream just as Dirk can’t deviate from the universe. But Dirk has never truly wanted to before, mostly because he’s never wanted or had quite like this before. Had friends of his own, had a place of his own, been someone of his own. Defying the universe isn’t all too tempting if there’s no benefit to be reaped.

But for the very first time in his life, Dirk has something to lose. And maybe—certainly—the universe is more than powerful enough to take all that and more away from him on a whim, but Dirk is going to clutch onto it until the bitter end.

Admittedly, there’s not much, if anything, that will stand up to the universe’s plans. Dirk knows this. This whole thing is more of a symbol than anything else—more just shoving it in the face of the universe, so to speak, that Dirk’s gotten this far and gotten this happy despite all that the universe has done to him.

And maybe it’s a little bit much. It’s enough to make him jittery and off-kilter for days once Dirk thinks of it, enough that Todd won’t stop giving him these weird looks whenever Todd thinks he isn’t paying attention (he is, because of course he is—what kind of detective can’t monitor his surroundings?). Todd’s pressed it a few times, too, endearingly awkward in how he asks if anything’s wrong.

“Oh, you know how it is, Todd,” Dirk told him once, waving dismissively.

Todd fixed him with an even more concerned look, letting an extended pause settle over them before saying, “Uh, no. I don’t.”

“The _universe_ ,” Dirk enunciated, meeting Todd’s gaze pointedly. “Makes everything quite odd and unpredictable, including me. Really, you should know this by now, shouldn’t you? You’ve been my assistant for more than long enough to learn the ropes—”

“Okay, no,” Todd interrupted him, unease evaporating. “Don’t pull the universe card on me like that. The universe isn’t just some—catch-all excuse, and you and I both know it.” 

“Oh, come, now, Todd. You can’t claim to know the inner workings of the universe any more than I do. It’s perfectly reasonable that the universe has come together in such a way that it _seems_ like I’m acting suspiciously, but, really, it’s just a ripple from some other—”

“You know you can just say you don’t want to talk about it, or whatever.” If Dirk didn’t know Todd so well, he’d probably miss how Todd was fighting back a smile. “But I’m… if you, you know, decide you wanna, I’m here. Um.” There’s a beat of silence in which Dirk struggles with deciding how to best express his gratitude. Before he can, though, Todd clears his throat awkwardly and asks, “What did you want for dinner? We still have that leftover pizza…”

Point being, Todd doesn’t suspect a thing, because Dirk is a great actor. Todd doesn’t even suspect anything when Dirk meets up with Amanda the next time she’s in town, not batting an eye when Dirk says that he wants to catch up with Amanda. Thankfully, Todd doesn’t ask if he can tag along.

The real reason is this: “Amanda, I admit I don’t know exactly how I’m supposed to go about this, but I know I’m supposed to ask someone, so—do you have any objections to me marrying Todd?”

Amanda nearly spits out her coffee. Black, of course, because that fits in perfectly with everything else about Amanda. “Dude, _what_?”

“Did you not hear me?” Dirk blinks. “I want to ask for your—blessing, is it?”

“No, no, I heard you. It’s just… wow.” Amanda shakes her head, grinning from ear-to-ear. “What brought this up, huh? Did the universe give you a nudge that you should finally get on with it? ‘Cause I swear me and Farah have been taking bets on when you guys were finally gonna do it—”

Dirk bites the inside of his cheek. “Well, that is—no.” The universe has been trying to drag him in the opposite direction, if anything—piling case upon case on the agency, barely letting him have any leisure time alone with Todd. It’s only gotten worse since Dirk first had the thought that maybe he should do something about it, the tug almost painful on his chest, tingling down to his fingertips. “I just thought…”

“Hey, man, no worries.” Amanda waves her hand dismissively. “You can make decisions for yourself, yeah? You don’t need the universe to babysit you.”

It’s a surprise, for some reason. If anyone was going to say that, it would be Amanda, and yet Dirk still finds himself a bit taken aback. “...Thank you, Amanda.” It comes out more hesitant than he intended.

“No need. Hey, look, so tell me—what’s the plan? Ooh, are you gonna recreate your first meeting or something? That’d be _hilarious_ , dude, climbing through your apartment window with a ring—” At the look on Dirk’s face, she pauses, realization dawning on her. “Wait. You do have a plan, right?”

“Of course I do,” Dirk tells her defensively. “I have—too many plans, even, so many that I can’t decide.”

“Okay. Tell me one.”

“I take… Todd… to Olive Garden, and…”

“He hates Olive Garden, Dirk. You know that.” Dirk does. Amanda leans back against the back of her chair, crossing her arms. “You really don’t have a plan at all? I thought you, like—I thought you always had some sort of idea of what you were gonna do.”

“Well, that’s—when I have hunches,” Dirk says, slowly. “It doesn’t work like that when the universe isn’t guiding me towards… whatever it is.”

“Wait, back up. You mean the universe isn’t a part of this at all?”

Dirk squirms in his seat, folding his arms together. “Well, so far as the universe can’t be a part of anything, by which I mean that I’m not feeling particularly guided to this outcome, by which I mean—yes.”

Amanda exhales. “Damn. That takes some guts.” At Dirk’s silence, she continues. “I’m proud of you, you know. That you’re, like, taking control and saying fuck you to the universe—that’s dope, dude. Take what you deserve. It’s been a long time coming.”

A smile inches up onto Dirk’s face despite himself. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself.”

“Listen to yourself! You’re right more often than not, you know. Even if Todd is a whiny ass and tries to tell you otherwise. You know, I dunno why you wanna marry him, but if he makes you happy, go for it. He sure as hell loves you, so there’s no way he’s gonna say no, even if the universe is all _blegh_ about it. Todd doesn’t give a fuck what the universe thinks.”

Dirk’s smile grows even wider.

/ * \

Amanda’s advice boils down to this: Todd will want a quiet proposal, no spectacles, and a simple ring. This is in line with what Dirk thought, anyway, and it’s how he finds himself in front of a relatively non-descript jewelry store with sweaty palms, trembling legs, and a note in Amanda’s writing with Todd’s ring size.

For however gung-ho Amanda was about the whole thing, going against the universe is still terrifying. The tug in Dirk’s chest is palpable with the beat of his heart, telling him to go to order a drink at the nearby coffee store, to go home and take a nap, and everything in-between. Anywhere but here. 

Still—Todd is more important to Dirk than the universe, and Dirk is going to prove it.

It takes longer than Dirk expects and far more stores than just the first one to find a ring that Dirk deems acceptable. All of them are too garish, not the right color, or not the right size—insistently, intrusively wrong. Dirk is just about to call it quits for the day when he realizes that’s the _point_ : as long as the universe isn’t guiding him, it’ll feel wrong, just as wrong as visiting each of these stores does. So Dirk chooses the next ring he sees—one that feels wrong, but Todd should like, elegant in its simplicity and with a gentle blue that complements his eyes—and has it and its pair burn a hole through his jacket pocket the whole way home.

Todd turns off whatever he was watching on the TV when he hears Dirk come in. “Hey,” he says, standing up to meet Dirk at the door with a kiss on the cheek. “Were you with Amanda all day? I thought you guys were only getting brunch.”

“Oh, um—” Dirk fumbles, having not thought of any lie as to where he’s been the entire day. Would Amanda cover for him? Definitely. Would she know to, though? Probably. Amanda could figure it out. “Yeah, I was! She wanted to go mini-golfing after, and I couldn’t say no. You know how Amanda is—”

Todd tilts his head to the side. “Amanda hates mini-golfing. She’s hated it since she got a score of, like, 80 on a 12-hole course when we were kids.”

“Oh, did I say _mini-golfing_? I meant—bowling! You must have misheard me, Todd. You’re getting old, you know—”

“You’re older than me.”

Dirk waves a hand dismissively. The box in his jacket pocket rattles, sending a spark of adrenaline through him. 

“You sure you’re okay?” Todd asks, looking at him strangely. “You’ve been acting strange for a while now.” A second of silence, and then: “Don’t say it’s the universe.”

“I—” Dirk presses his lips together. Lie? Truth? No, there’s no way he can just _propose_ now. That goes against all the Hallmark movies he’s ever seen and all the romcoms he and Todd have watched. It would be blasphemy. “I’m fine, Todd. Thanks for asking.”

“Okay,” Todd acquiesces, a little uncertainly. “You wanna make dinner with me? I was hoping to use up that chicken before it goes bad.”

Dirk nods twice quickly and follows Todd into the kitchen. They make dinner—chicken alfredo, which Dirk thinks is one of his best dishes—and watch cooking shows together while they eat. After that, and the whole debacle of running around the city trying to find a ring all day, Dirk is exhausted—he’s barely keeping his eyes open as they find out who’s getting chopped this time around, head falling blearily onto Todd’s shoulder. 

He imagines Todd glancing down and smiling softly as Todd wraps an arm around him. The thought isn’t unusual, but the tenderness sends a spike of _something_ through his heart—not exactly love, but something adjacent. He snuggles a little closer to Todd, taking in his warmth and the smell of his cologne (always nice), and, through his muddled consciousness, recognizes the feeling as _want_.

And that’s when he says it: “You should marry me, you know.”

Todd startles hard enough that Dirk’s head falls off his shoulder, and that’s when Dirk wakes up enough to realize what he’s said. “What?”

“Ah, that’s—um—I…” Dirk sits fully upright, intertwining his fingers tight. “Um. Nothing at all, Todd. See, I told you earlier you were losing your hearing, and now you’re imagining things!”

“No, that’s—don’t—you said I should marry you,” Todd says disbelievingly. “You—”

“Alright, well, I may or may not have said that, and I may or may not want that desperately, and I may or may not have spent the whole afternoon finding a ring for you, but that?” Dirk forces a laugh that sounds choked. “That—doesn’t have to mean anything at all. You don’t have to, you know, marry me if you don’t—”

“You have a _ring_?” Todd’s voice is hushed, expression inscrutable.

“That I can very easily return, yes, no problems—”

“Dirk, oh my God, shut up for a second. Show me.” His voice is still quiet, as if speaking any louder would shatter the moment. 

Dirk swallows and reaches into his jacket pocket. Handy things, those. Good thing he has so many. He takes out the box and opens it, facing it towards Todd. The cooking show is still going on in the background, and the TV’s light reflects off the blue stone in the center of the ring.

“You really—Dirk, are you serious about this? No backpedaling, no bullshit—are you sure?”

Dirk is about to go on some spiel about God-knows-what, but the look on Todd’s face stops him. Silently hopeful, but fragile, like a drop of water would shatter it with its ripples. He swallows. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

“So ask me properly.”

Dirk’s heart skips a beat. He glances down at the box in his hands, back up to Todd’s face, then back down. “Todd, I—would you do the honor of marrying me?”

Todd’s face breaks out into a grin like Dirk’s never seen, second even to when they reunited after Dirk was taken to Blackwing. It’s dazzling, enough to take Dirk’s breath away, and he almost doesn’t hear Todd say, “Of _course_ , you idiot. God, I thought—I thought, maybe, you didn’t want that with me, or—”

“Why would you _ever_ think that?”

“Because—I don’t know! You never talked about it, and never hinted at it, and I thought—I don’t know.”

Dirk frowns. “Why should that mean anything? I told you from the start that we were meant to be together. Of course that includes this.”

Todd bursts into laughter, disbelieving. “God, of course you’d pull that now of all times.” Still smiling, he says, “Come on, don’t just sit there.”

There’s a beat of silence before Dirk realizes that Todd is waiting for Dirk to put the ring on his finger. “Oh! Oh, right, yes, of course—” And, with trembling hands, Dirk takes the ring out of the box and slides it onto Todd’s ring finger, feeling the trembling of Todd’s hand alongside his. 

At the sight, Dirk smiles wide, wide, matching Todd’s. Todd looks down at the ring as though it might vanish right out of his existence for a moment or two before pulling Dirk into a hug, so tight that it startles Dirk. “I love you,” Todd tells him. “I know I don’t say it enough, but I just—I really do.” And he kisses Dirk, as though to prove it; and it’s proof enough.

“I love you, too,” Dirk tells him, after, breathless.

“I know,” Todd tells him. “I know.”

/ * \

The next morning, Dirk wakes up to the sunrise softly filtering through the curtains, no insistent and intrusive tugging on the edge of his consciousness. The sun glints off his ring and past it to cover Todd in a blanket of light; and Dirk doesn’t need the universe anymore. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! i really hope you enjoyed! please feel free to leave a comment--they keep me going! :-)


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